A book review of Jefferson Fisher’s “The Next Conversation”

Jefferson Fisher won an audience of 10 million followers on social media by giving communication tips in a winsome, casual, and authentic manner. By staying true to himself, he amassed around 500 million views—and his book is no different. 

In The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More, the Texas Trial Lawyer shares his practical, powerful tips for communicating effectively.

It’s intentionally broad, general, and accessible. Do you face prolonged marital conflict? An unprofessional boss? A difficult in-law? All of the above? Here’s the unique aspect of The Next Conversation: Fisher doesn’t give strategies for each of these cases, but each of his strategies applies to them all. 

Conversations, according to Fisher, are about making connections—even the difficult ones. Occasionally, we need to draw boundaries and not speak to someone, but usually, each of us has the power to make relationships better through our words. 

He writes, “Turning your conflicts into connections paves the way for a more fulfilling, meaningful life. All you need is what to say next.” 

Never win an argument

Here’s the heart of his work: “Never win an argument. Whether it’s an argument, a heated discussion, or slight friction in conversation, your goal isn’t to ‘win.’ It’s to unravel. Start at the loose ends until you understand the heart of the matter. There you’ll find the knot” (emphasis his). 

That’s coming from a trial lawyer whose job is to convince a judge and jury of his client’s innocence—to argue. And me, a philosopher, quoting that passage positively? 

Strange. But it’s true. 

Winning an argument in a constrained setting like a literal debate is fine, but in difficult,  day-to-day conversations, we shouldn’t make the point to win, but to achieve specific goals.

We should want to connect to bosses, colleagues, spouses, friends, and family, not defeat them. 

He provides three rules in part two. 

1. Say it with control. 
2. Say it with confidence. 
3. Say it to connect. 

And each of these has respective steps and their own applicable tips. 

 In these pages, instead of heaps of scientific studies, you’ll find the words of a gifted communicator, to you, to better your life.

His closing tagline says it all, “So try that, and follow me.” 

“The Next Conversation” is invaluable 

Why does this book matter for believers, in particular? The fruit, or result, of the Holy Spirit’s cultivation in our lives are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22–23). All of these can benefit communication.

Communication is a skill. It’s one you must learn through practice, experience, and trial and error. Also, like any other skill, expert guidance can help us. As such, many Christians may embody these virtues but struggle to effectively communicate them.

Pastors, for example, may preach a good sermon every week but struggle to understand their spouses’ feelings, their staff’s needs, or a member’s breakdown. Unskilled communication can hurt relationships, undermine ministry, and damage your reputation. 

“Words have a ripple effect,” Fisher writes. Our words are upstream of family well-being, our career, strong friendships, and more. By growing communication skills, we learn to better speak the truth in love.

So, consider picking up a copy. In it, you’ll find a wealth of practical wisdom for your next conversation.

NOTE: I’ve written about the lessons I learned from Jefferson on my blog, Agape Sophia.

Notable quotes

“The Person you see isn’t the person you’re talking to.” (pg. 30)

“You’ll get blind acceptance of your point of view zero out of ten times, but you can absolutely get a better understanding of the other person’s point of view nine times out of ten. By setting realistic goals, you’re framing the conversation around expectations you can meet.” (pg. 47)

“Instead of keeping your emotions inside and bottling up the stress (which leads to ignition), saying ‘I can tell’ forces you to get those feelings out. For example, ‘I can tell I’m getting upset.’” (pg. 108)

“[A] few words, deeply rooted in personal history, can serve as a powerful anchor in moments of self-doubt or hesitation.” (pg. 114)

“Confidence is a feeling. It can’t be summoned at will. You can’t call it off the bench. That’s why it’s often not there when you need it. . . . The question isn’t ‘How do I feel confident?’ The question is ‘What can I do to create experiences that build my confidence?’ Confidence is found in the doing. And that doing is called assertiveness. Confidence is as assertiveness does.” (pg. 138–139) 

“Save the real I’m sorrys for when it matters, like asking for forgiveness, owning up to a mistake, or sympathizing with someone else’s pain. Instead of over-apologizing, use words of gratitude, or nothing at all.” (pg. 147)

“Confident people have the urge to say nothing. There is wisdom in their silence.” (pg. 149)

“Boundaries are the bouncer for your well-being.” (pg. 205)

“Clarity is kind.” (pg. 219)