What does the Bible say about abuse?

• Note: If you are currently a victim of abuse or know someone who is, seek help today by visiting the National Domestic Violence Hotline or calling 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Someone is available 24/7 to offer help, support, and safety planning. The Hotline offers a confidential, impartial ear and assists with identifying and changing unhealthy behaviors. An abusive situation rarely improves unless drastic changes are made. Please, do not wait to seek help.

Most people, regardless of their faith, agree that abuse is wrong. But, if that’s the case, why does it continue to be one of the most pervasive problems in our culture? It’s estimated that one in four women and one in nine men are victims of domestic violence, and that is only one of many ways in which people abuse others.

But if we can agree that it’s wrong, yet so many continue to make the same mistake, the root cause must go deeper than a basic disagreement on morality. 

So why do so many seem to struggle with this sin, and what steps can we take to help others and ourselves recognize when we are going down the path toward abuse? And, if you have experienced abuse personally, what steps can you take to heal and break that cycle to ensure you do not pass your pain on to others? 

We can and will look to the Bible for guidance on each of those questions. But before we do, let’s start with some basic definitions to ensure we share a common understanding of abuse and how it often appears. 

What constitutes abuse?

While abuse can happen in any circumstance, it most often starts at home, so that’s where we’ll begin our discussion as well.

The National Institutes of Health defines domestic and family violence as the “economic, physical, sexual, emotional, and psychological abuse of children, adults, or elders.” They go on to caution that it “occurs in all races, ages, and sexes. It knows no cultural, socioeconomic, education, religious, or geographic limitation.” 

And children who experience abuse are far more likely to abuse others as they grow up. Moreover, 80 to 90 percent of domestic violence victims go on to abuse or neglect their children. 

Abuse truly is one of the clearest examples of generational sin. 

Yet, abuse is not limited to the home or the family. Verbal and sexual abuse take place far too frequently in work environments, social relationships, and in the church. The latter is an environment about which we have written and discussed these issues in the greatest depth, but abuse is tragic wherever it takes place, and the reasons why people commit such heinous acts are often similar regardless of the setting. 

To that end, let’s turn our attention now to what the Bible says about abuse and why so many continue to commit this sin. And we’ll start with an emotion that is common to us all.

Understanding anger

I’ve explored what the Bible says about anger in greater depth in a separate article, but the topic is relevant to our current discussion as well. 

While anger is by no means the only reason that people abuse others, it is often the final straw that converts thoughts to action. And, considering none of us can avoid the emotion entirely, learning to manage it well and express it in a way that does not lead to sin is essential. So let’s start with what Jesus says about anger in the Sermon on the Mount.

In Matthew 5, Jesus addresses anger as the first in a series of “You have heard it said . . . But I say to you” statements:

“You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire” (Matthew 5:21–22).

In these verses, Jesus moves away from an emphasis on one’s actions—the traditional approach to combatting sin in his culture—to focus instead on the motivation behind those actions.

You see, an important distinction is lost when we read these verses in English that would have been far more apparent to Christ’s original audience. Two words in Greek are often translated as anger. The first, thumos, most commonly refers to the spontaneous emotion. 

This kind of anger is what we feel when someone wrongs us or when circumstances don’t go our way, and it is not what Jesus calls a sin in this passage. After all, even Jesus experienced the emotion of anger—such as when he drove out the money changers (Matthew 21:12–13)—yet was without sin. 

That Christ does not condemn the emotion of anger reveals an important principle for how we should understand the concept: the Bible does not tell us how to feel, only how to respond to those feelings. 

Later on in Matthew 5, for example, Jesus commands us to love our enemies. He can command us to love because love is not an emotion; it’s a choice. As a result, we have some measure of control over whether or not we will love another person. 

In the same way, Christ can warn against anger in these verses because he is not talking about the initial emotion, but rather what we choose to do with it. 

Understanding that you are always ultimately in control of how you express your anger is essential when it comes to avoiding the sin of abuse. There will never be an occasion where “I just lost control” is a valid excuse for physically or emotionally hurting another person. 

So, if feeling anger is unavoidable but our actions are always within our control, what is the right way to respond to it? Understanding the kind of anger Jesus calls a sin in this passage is key to answering that question.

The word he uses in verse 22 to describe sinful anger is orgizomenos, and it is a verb that is perhaps better translated as something akin to holding a grudge. It’s an anger that is cherished in the heart, nursed, and kept alive by our own volition. This kind of anger is a choice and, as such, a sin that is within our power to avoid. 

If our focus, however, remains fixed on the outward displays of anger that are more commonly associated with the emotion, then it can be easier to overlook the sinful anger that Jesus describes here. To that end, he moves away from murder to describe instead the consequences of verbal outbursts. 

That’s not to say murder, abuse, or any other physical manifestation of anger, is not a sin. The sixth commandment—among other passages—makes clear that they are (Exodus 20:13). But Christ wants his disciples to understand that we can—and do—sin long before reaching that point. Learning to give up those grudges and to deal with anger as it comes rather than letting it build is the best way to keep our actions under control. 

Abuse often starts by allowing frustrations to linger over time until they reach a tipping point, and the pain, frustration, and anger that has been building are vented on whoever is around at that moment. To be clear, this is sin, and there is no room for arguing otherwise. No matter what a person has done, said, or left wanting justifies abuse in any form. 

And considering that most of us are good enough at controlling our tempers during the day to prevent that unfortunate individual from being a coworker, stranger, or associate, more often than not it means that we will respond most sinfully to those closest to us. That’s one of the chief reasons why so much abuse starts in the family. 

It’s also why learning to let God help us deal with our anger in a healthy way is sometimes the best gift we can give to those closest to us. And we find a key part of his plan for how to do just that at the end of Ephesians.

In Ephesians 4, Paul writes, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31–32).

God’s solution to our anger is to deal with it, but from a place of forgiveness rather than retribution and with peace as a higher priority than punishment. Granted, that’s often easier said than done, but the Lord knew how hard it would be to resolve our frustrations in this manner before he called us to do it.

As fallen, sinful creatures, we will never be able to manage anger on our own. Fortunately, God stands ready to help. When we respond to anger with prayer and commit to working through whatever sparked the emotion in us—ideally with the other person but, at the very least, with God—then we can love those the Lord has brought into our lives as he intends. 

Embracing a biblical view of anger and learning to address it before the sinful thoughts turn to sinful actions will go a long way toward helping to break the cycle of abuse in which many people feel trapped. Unfortunately, however, anger is not the only reason that people abuse others. 

The sin of entitlement

A second reason why abuse continues to be a pervasive problem in our culture is the belief that others are less important than ourselves. That sense of entitlement is not always a conscious decision, but prioritizing our desires over the well-being of others has long been a root cause of abuse. 

Scripture is clear, however, that all people are made in the image of God, and all are of immeasurable value to our heavenly Father. 

Exodus 22:16–31, for example, is essentially a list of all the ways that God called his people not to abuse their power over others but, rather, to promote justice and equality. This command was extremely counter-cultural, given that most of the nations around them functioned from a top-down perspective where rights were granted through strength, with little protection for the weak or downtrodden. 

And we see the same principle at work in the New Testament when Jesus spoke quite plainly about how those who profess to follow him are to treat others the way we want to be treated (Matthew 7:12). That Golden Rule was so central to Christian ethics that even most people who are not Christians know and recognize it as a good moral standard for how we treat others. 

Yet that level of equality is sorely lacking in our society, and things weren’t any better in biblical times.

Tragic examples of abuse—be it sexual, violent, verbal, or in any other form—are found throughout the pages of Scripture. In each case, the central characteristic at the heart of God’s condemnation is the misuse of power or authority in order to harm another person. And whether the perpetrator is a king, priest, parent, or pauper, all are capable of committing this sin. 

In fact, one of the key ways in which the morality of Scripture differed from the larger culture in which it was written is the belief that no one, regardless of their station, had the authority or right to abuse those beneath them. 

For example, in the ancient world, kings were often seen as quasi-divine figures, and they tended to act as though they were beholden to no one but themselves. Sadly, many of the biblical kings took a similar approach. Even David had times when he treated the lives of others as if they were inconsequential when compared to his own desires.

His abuse of Bathsheba—we would likely classify it as rape if it happened today—followed by orchestrating the death of her husband is perhaps the clearest example (2 Samuel 11). Yet, even before then, he planned to kill Nabal for a verbal slight (1 Samuel 25) and took Michal back from a husband who seemed to love her simply because it was politically expedient to have her in his home (2 Samuel 3:12–16). 

By the end of his life, there is little evidence of God’s continued blessing on David’s reign other than the promise that the Messiah would come from his line. 

And David was one of Israel’s best kings. Others, like Rehoboam, Manasseh, and pretty much every king of the northern tribes, did far worse. Scripture records their history in a way that often highlights God’s condemnation of such abuses, with a clear understanding that others are not to follow their example.

Throughout the prophets, God repeatedly sides with the abused and warns that he will judge not only the kings but also the society that follows their example. What can make these stories difficult for us to reconcile today, however, is that his judgment for such abuses did not always come as quickly as we might expect. 

Exile at the hands of Assyria in the North and Babylon in the South stands as the Lord’s ultimate punishment, and most of the kings experienced judgment in other ways prior to having their throne stripped away by a foreign power. Yet, we would expect that if God really hated their abuses as much as Scripture says he does, then he would have acted sooner. 

And that sense of disappointment only grows when the abuse happens to you or someone you love. 

So how do we reconcile the fact that God’s word explicitly condemns abuse with the reality that he does not always seem to step in to stop it or punish those who hurt others?

Why a good God must allow suffering

The simple—though, at times, unfulfilling—answer is that most of the time, God will not violate our free will to prevent us from sinning. The highest purpose for which we were created was to enter into a loving relationship with the Lord and to worship him. However, that kind of relationship requires a free will choice on our part. Because love is, by nature, a choice more than an emotion, if God forced it from us, then it would cease to be love.

And we can know that’s the case, in part, because otherwise, there is no good reason for him to have created us with free will.

Not all suffering is the result of the sinful choices people make, but the truth remains that our free will is still the source of so much pain and suffering in this world that if God’s ultimate purpose for our lives did not require us to have such freedom, then he made a mistake in giving it to us.

However, just because we have free will does not mean that our freedom exists without boundaries or limitations. After all, I have the freedom to jump off the roof of my house, but the quick drop that follows will make it abundantly clear that I lack the freedom to fly.

Rather, free will is more like a menu of options from which we can choose. That ability to choose still gives us agency over our actions, but within limits. Those limits are necessary because history shows that for anything God allows humanity to conceive of doing, someone will endeavor to attempt it.

That ability is the source of so much human development and progress over the years, but it’s also the source of some of humanity’s greatest atrocities and ability to abuse others. As such, questions about why God would allow certain, even unspeakable, evils to occur are natural, as is the belief that if we were God, we would prevent them.

And if God is really God, he could. After all, he is all-powerful, and he is the one who determines which choices appear on our menu of available options.

Yet, it is logical—and perhaps even likely—that he has drawn the line somewhere and that there are even greater atrocities than we can fathom that he has decided not to allow. The truth of that statement, however, doesn’t lessen the pain or suffering we experience when faced with the hardships of this life.

And therein lies the problem with the premise that a good God wouldn’t allow us to suffer.

You see, our problem wouldn’t be solved if the Lord simply prohibited people from abusing one another. The reason is that our understanding of the suffering we face is determined primarily by where it sits on the scale of what we know to be possible. When a child scrapes their knee and cries like it’s just been amputated, the reason is often less that they’re overreacting than that they simply lack a frame of reference for understanding how bad that truly hurts. 

The truth is that even if our worst suffering was removed, whatever resides just below that line would then take its place as unspeakably evil and beyond the pale of what a good God should allow. If our frame of reference for how we understand and experience pain and suffering in this life were such that something as small as a hangnail was the worst that he allowed us to endure, it would still be so unspeakably tragic to us that we would question his goodness. 

Considering that the existence of sin means that suffering will always exist here as well, one of the worst things God could do would be to skew our frame of reference to such a degree that the unavoidable, everyday pains we experience seem like an unacceptable calamity. He had to draw that line of how much evil he would allow in such a way that we would be able to tolerate the pains that all of us must face without becoming constantly discouraged and overwhelmed. 

And while the experience of abuse—particularly in its most devastating and persistent forms—buts up against that line of what a good God should allow, ultimately, he was left with two choices:

1. Remove our free will, thereby eliminating any possibility of entering into a loving relationship with him or anyone else
2. Or allow us to experience suffering, even when it seems beyond the pale of what should be permissible

I would not trade the love that I’ve experienced from God and others for a life without pain, even in its worst forms. And I suspect most of us would make the same choice. 

If that’s the case, though, and the evils of abuse will remain on our menu of options for how we treat others, what can we do to ensure we don’t cross that line? 

God’s answer to abuse

In Colossians 3, Paul writes from prison to encourage the believers in Colossae to “put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry” before promising that “On account of these the wrath of God is coming” (Colossians 3:5–6). 

He then goes on to call them to a life defined by “compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other” because God has forgiven you (Colossians 3:12–13). 

To further illustrate that point, he concludes by listing a series of relationships—husbands and wives, parents and children, slaves and their masters—in which we should live out these qualities. And he does so in a way that highlights the opportunities for abuse inherent to each, while then calling us to look instead to Christ as our example of how we should treat one another. 

Paul’s point is that a life empowered by and submitted to God is the only way we can ensure we are in a place to consistently treat people well. Otherwise, our fallen nature will eventually tempt us to act out of anger or selfishness in a way that abuses others. And none of us are beyond the temptation to do so.

Think back to the last time you lashed out in anger or treated someone else more as a tool to get what you wanted than as a person made in the image of God. Which list of qualities that Paul named best described your heart in that moment? 

We are all capable of the sins we so quickly denounce in others, and believing otherwise is often the quickest path to committing them ourselves. And the more often you travel down that road, the more well-worn that path gets and the easier it becomes to fall to sin once again.

So take a moment and ask the Holy Spirit to show you any relationships or areas in your life where you are currently prone to abuse others. Give God free rein to bring up whatever he wants, and try your best not to get defensive when he reveals something you might prefer to ignore or diminish. Abuse doesn’t have to rise to the level of violence to be a sin, and it often starts as something less overtly awful.

And if you are currently the one being abused, know that now is always the best time to act. No matter what you’ve done or how good things can be at times, there is never an excuse for someone to abuse you. 

If you need help, seek it today. Call a friend or family member you can trust. Reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Get yourself and any others in danger—particularly children—to safety. 

You can always seek reconciliation—if that is something God leads you to pursue—later, but an abusive situation rarely improves unless drastic changes are made. And if someone has truly repented of their abusive ways, then they should be willing to prove it without requiring you to re-enter a dangerous situation. 

The simple truth is that the fruit of the Spirit is hard to fake, particularly over an extended period of time (Galatians 5:22–23). So prayerfully look for evidence that God is at work before taking another person’s word that they’ve changed. While none of us are perfect, when the Holy Spirit is at work, the proof will be plain to see. 

So, whether you are in an abusive relationship, prone to abuse others, or anywhere in between, know that you are loved by God and, in Christ, there is always the chance to find the freedom from sin that only he can give. 

Where do you need that freedom today?