When you’re disappointed by God

I often joke that my grandkids are perfect. Having raised two sons, nothing prepared us for a granddaughter, and we have been equally amazed by our three grandsons as well. Unfortunately, there are many for whom that amazement never comes, or who must travel a path of pain and loss before they get there.

October 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, and it commemorates what, for many, is a daily struggle with the agony of their child’s death. And knowing how to grieve in the midst of that pain or help others to do so is often difficult.

As Rachel Lohman writes in her article on walking through the agony of such loss, “Chances are, if miscarriage or stillbirth isn’t part of your personal story, this unique type of loss has impacted someone you love.” After spending the better part of 4 decades pastoring, my wife Janet and I have known and walked with many such families. While we should never presume to understand that pain, even if you have experienced a similar loss in your own life, simply being there and letting them know that they don’t have to grieve alone can be a great way to embody the love of God in those moments. 

And, given that those moments are often when it’s easiest to doubt God’s love or, at the very least, be disappointed in him, it is even more crucial to let the Holy Spirit work through us to bring his power and presence into the midst of unspeakable grief.

To that end, let’s examine how to respond when we are disappointed by God. 

Understand the problem

In my study of atheism over the years, I have found suffering to be the single greatest objection to belief in an all-knowing, all-loving, all-powerful God. Atheist Sam Harris says that the existence of a single suffering child anywhere in the universe calls into question the existence of a loving God. Christopher Hitchens, one of the best-known atheists of his day, lost his mother to suicide when he was a young man and never forgave God.

My father was a Sunday school teacher before he fought in World War II and never went to church again. He could not reconcile the suffering he witnessed with the belief in a God of power and love.

All through Scripture, we find the same problem. Job’s sufferings are legendary; Moses was so discouraged that he asked God to take his life; Jonah was furious with God for not judging the Ninevites and their persecutions of the Jewish people; Jesus cried from the cross, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

Philip Yancey wrote a bestseller titled, Disappointment With God. Any of us could have written that book. Where has God disappointed you lately?

Choose the best response

So, what do we do? From Paul’s experience, let’s consider four lessons. 

First, don’t blame God for a broken world.

Paul referred to his suffering as a “thorn in the flesh,” but does not tell us what he means. Clearly, he and his readers knew what he meant, but we are left to speculate. One option is that he was facing a physical problem. He had done mission work in Galatia, modern-day Turkey, where malaria was common. He might have suffered from epilepsy. Many think that he was dealing with eye problems: he told the Galatians, “See with what large letters I am writing to you with my own hand” (6:11) and said of them, “I testify to you that, if possible, you would have gouged out your eyes and given them to me” (4:15).

If your thorn in the flesh is physical, know that such suffering is not God’s fault. He created a perfect world, but our sin corrupted his creation. Now each of us must live with the consequences of that sin until he returns to inaugurate a new heaven and a new earth to take its place (Revelation 21:1–2).

When we suffer because we live in a fallen world—even if that suffering is not the specific result of anything you have done wrong—let’s not blame God.

Second, don’t blame God for misused freedom.

Some think Paul’s thorn in the flesh was persecution at the hands of the “Judaizers.” This was a group of Jewish Christians who believed that Gentiles had to become Jews to become Christians. Wherever Paul went, they followed behind and corrupted the work he had done.

If your thorn in the flesh is caused by misused freedom, whether yours or someone else’s, don’t blame God. 

Third, ask God to intervene. 

Whatever the source of your suffering, pray for the Lord to help, protect, or heal. Paul prayed three times, continuing to intercede. Jesus told us to “ask and it will be given to you” (Matthew 7:7)–the Greek means to “ask and keep on asking.” If your thorn in the flesh is the result of your misused freedom, ask God to forgive you, cleanse you, and restore you. If it is the result of a fallen world, ask God to intervene with protection and grace.

All through his public ministry, we find Jesus intervening to reverse the consequences of the Fall. He healed lepers, cast out demons, and raised the dead. But his healing was in response to the prayers of those in need. A leper came to him for healing; a nobleman came to him to ask his help for a servant who was ill; Lazarus’ sisters asked for his help with their brother. Scripture says that we have not because we ask not (James 4:2). John Wesley believed that God does nothing except in answer to prayer.

That said, such prayer does not require God to act in the manner for which we’ve prayed, and there will be times when we simply cannot understand his inaction. If you have lost a child despite praying for him or her to be healed and safe, know that your loss is not the result of a lack of faith or simply not praying hard enough. 

And in such moments where it can genuinely seem like God has failed us, it is alright to vent that disappointment to the Lord. Holding on to that anger or acting as though it’s not there is often the reason why we miss the ways in which God is working to redeem our loss, which is the final lesson we must take from Paul’s experience. 

Last, trust God to redeem.

Paul prayed for God to remove his thorn in the flesh, but God did not give him what he asked. However, he gave the apostle something greater: “He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me” (v. 9).

When we pray, God gives us what we ask or whatever is best. He may heal our bodies, or he may help us live with our suffering and draw closer to Jesus. He may calm the storm, or he may let the storm rage and calm his child. Paul learned to say, “When I am weak, then I am strong” (v. 10). You will learn to say the same.

Give God a chance

So, what is your thorn in the flesh? Where has God disappointed you most recently? Don’t blame him for a fallen world or misused freedom. Ask him to intervene, and trust that he will either remove your thorn or redeem it.

Such trust does not mean that the pain will instantly go away or that it’s wrong to be angry. It just means that you remain open to the possibility that God can step into your grief and provide the kind of healing only he is capable of giving. 

Will you give him that chance today?